Mother's Day Eve

Tomorrow will be the second Mother's Day that I've celebrated as a mother. Last year I was pregnant, but I'm going to count it. As I was reflecting on what it's been like, entering motherhood, so many swirling thoughts percolate.
Entering motherhood is such a unique experience for everyone.  Whether it be infertility, subfertility, adoption, unexpected pregnancy, etc. it seems that every woman I know had such unique and personal experiences with it. Mine was certainly unique for me. We tried for 1 1/2 years to get pregnant. While that's not a huge amount of time compared to what many parents go through, it was difficult for us. I remember my sister getting pregnant for the second time before I had even had my first baby and I was happy for her, but also annoyed. I thought about it constantly. We talked about it constantly. I was obsessed with the fact that I wasn't pregnant when I thought I should be. One day at a family Christmas party my cousin asked when we were going to have a baby, and I made some lame joke about it but also had to choke back tears. (Advice: DO NOT ask people about children. EVER. PERIOD. End of story.)
And then... one day... Pregnant! I discovered it in a very spiritual and sacred way. We were at the temple. During a moment when I was doing temple work I had the most intense impression that I was definitely pregnant. It brought tears to my eyes. I felt that my ancestors had aided this little spirit into coming to me, particularly my grandparents. I didn't believe it because I had hoped for over a year that I would be. But the feeling wouldn't go away. So we got home and I took a test. I almost didn't believe it because I had had a false positive once already. So I took three more. And got a blood test. Sure enough. Justin and I were stunned.
I remember feeling so anxious about what pregnancy would do to me and what it would be like to grow a tiny human inside my body. Looking back, I don't remember all the little things like the morning sickness or the hip pains and trouble sleeping and breathing. All I can think about now is how special and sacred it is to create life with no conscious effort. That as women, we literally become like Deities in our ability to create and produce life. It's unbelievably sacred. No wonder our Heavenly Father asks us to reserve this power to the confines of a healthy marriage.
As Richie grew inside me, I relished every movement (except when he kicked my hip ligaments really hard and made me hurt) as a sign that this child was an extension of myself, but more perfect and innocent.
As you become a parent everyone wants to share in your experience by dumping theirs on you. You hear the do's and the don'ts, the latest and greatest advice along with all the minute details of how the raise a super human, capable of being the world's greatest leader/thinker/entrepreneur/prodigy/etc. Additionally, you hear how to be an exceptional mother and everything everyone says conflicts with each other. Definitely co-sleep. Definitely do NOT co-sleep. Breastfeed in public openly. Cover up if you breastfeed. Formula feeding is just as great as breastfeeding. Formula feeding is terrible and evil. Blah, blah, blah. All the constant noise is just indicative of a desire of all mothers to not mess their children up, when in fact, every mother will somehow mess their child up. And in all this, no one accounts for the fact that every child comes with their own personality and agenda. All I wanted was a soft, cuddly baby who would breastfeed sweetly and sleep all day, awaken rosy cheeked and cuddly, and sleep some more. But instead, he came wiggly, super active, a terrible sleeper, and only put up with breastfeeding until he could move enough to unlatch and try to claw his way up my torso to who knows where.
Here's what I've decided about motherhood. You make your list of priorities and you rock it. I personally do not make it a priority to look good or take Richie on a billion outings to mold his mind from infancy. I do not care if he is dressed to the nines everyday. I do not care if he gets into the best pre-pre-school for toddlers. I don't really count on him going to Harvard, unless he wants to of course. I know some moms out there who have adorably dressed children, who take their kids all over town to give them education and culture. I know moms who are creative and throw Pinterest worthy parties. I know moms who run marathons with their kids. Good for them! But that's not me. And I don't need to be perfect at everything. So here are my priorities. Here's what I care about. I want him to know that we love Jesus Christ and that He loves Richie. I want him to eat a really healthy diet. I want him to feel loved and appreciated just for the fact that he is our baby. I want to teach him a love of the outdoors and especially of how it makes you feel good and stay happy. I want him to love and respect animal and human life, and to be kind and loving to all people and animals. I want him to care about his friends like his Dad cares about his friends and look out for them. There's more... but you get the gist.
Motherhood is amazing and awful all at the same time. There are moments when I just want to crawl in a hole and fade away. There are moments when I feel like my heart will burst. There are moments when I hide under the covers because it's 4 am and he's awake and maybe if I pretend like I don't hear those sad cries, they will stop, but they don't. There are moments when I want time to stand still so I can experience my heart overflowing with joy for that little sweet smile staring up at my face. There are moments when I feel trapped and lonely and like my fun, independent life is obliterated and hopeless. Then there are moments when I feel like I don't need to feel anything myself, because my heart only beats for our sweet child. These moments usually occur within the same 24 hours.
So looking back, and now looking forward, motherhood is a crazy journey. One that I have only just begun. My own experience as a mother has given me so much compassion for the billions of other women who have traveled this bumpy, unpredictable road. Especially compassion for my own mother, who did her best, messed us up a little, and continues to try to be an amazing mother.
So, to all the mothers... Mothers who are women who have given birth, adopted, cared for another human being or animal, or mothered other adults.... Happy Mother's Day. This little mama is grateful for your example, for your mistakes, and for your courage. Maybe with a little luck I won't mess my son up too much, and he will one day know the depth of my love for him.

Projects Galore and Graduation

So a while ago with the return of sleep and a bit of sanity, I got a stroke of, no, surge of energy and creativity. I thought, 'I am going to make this house liveable, by jove!' But no English accent. So I sat down and got out my favorite program, Excel. I plotted how exactly I could make our house awesome within a year and with a tiny little budget. Alas, the outside of the house is another story. So if you drive by and notice it still looking as sad and ghetto as ever, that's because remodeling the outside of a house is not something we are financially ready to take on yet. Nevertheless, the inside is in the works. So come on in.

Each month I am taking on a room/area to decorate and make functional and pretty. I've discovered that despite swearing off Pinterest (mostly because of it's popularity and tendency to make me feel like a huge under achiever), it is quite helpful in gathering ideas and information. So I used it to get a feel for what I want in my front living room.

The first thing I did was redo this nasty old chandelier. We had Justin's uncle pull it from his great aunt's house by the U of U. I love family heirlooms. I saw potential. So I cleaned it really well, repainted some of it, stripped out the 1950's nylon wiring and re-wired it (the hardest part) with special wire I had to hunt down at a local light fixture store. Then I found crystals to hang on it that matched on Ebay.

Now it looks like this:

The next thing I did was realize we have this crazy old rocking chair that belonged to Justin's great grandmother Henderson. Don't get me started on why family heirlooms rock and why they're important. But anyway, we had this chair that looked like this: (Sorry I don't have a front on picture)

And I was like, 'Hey, I can turn this into a pretty piece of furniture and not have to buy a new chair for lots of $$.' So I read and read and read on how upholstery is done. It turns out it's quite labor intensive, particularly if your chair is 50+ years old, has already been reupholstered once, and is held together by 4597854125987934 nails and staples. So I began.

I got a tack removing screw driver and pried that sucker down to nothing. It took DAYS. And I discovered this thing was stuffed with hay. Ew. And also that there were several quarters stuck in it. (Bonus.)

Then I purchased material from Ebay that was SO cheap. It's the exact fabric that our Lovesac is made out of. I went with micro suede because it is durable and will be ok with our dogs and kids.

Then I went to work for three weeks and added foam and stapled/sewed the chair so that it turned out to look like this:

Richie was of course not included.

My next project was this table I bought from the D.I. months ago. See, our $20 Ikea coffee table just doesn't match, nor is it even remotely durable. Also, I am getting tired of looking like we moved a dorm room into a house. Definitely time to look like we are adults.

I sanded it, stained it with a weathered oak stain, Justin cut out a hole in the middle, and I put a pot of succulents in the middle. Booyah. Unique and awesome.

Next I realized my GINORMOUS front walls were so bare and that the scale of my pictures just didn't do it. So I bought some large canvas from Michael's and used my 40% off coupon. Painted with acrylics  in my color scheme, and used painters tape to create a neat herringbone pattern which I spray painted over. Abstract art for a huge wall. Boom.

I also wanted to use a pallet and turn it into art. My favorite quote by Walt Whitman had to go up on the wall. I thought about just writing "Love Live Laugh" in giant letters or "Believe" on the wall... but then I realized that I didn't want to copy millions of women in the western world.  So here is the before and after...

So that's all I got for now. When I put it all together I'll write again. It will all look cooler up on the walls and put together. I'm becoming a project junkie... Yay, a new hobby!

This last week we also celebrated a monumental day-Justin's nursing school graduation!! Here are some pics  from graduation and celebration breakfast at Ruth's Diner. Not that he's done... He's still got another semester of clinicals and three classes. But we're that much closer! I'm so proud of Justin. Even though it's his second Bachelor's degree, this one will definitely be more marketable. I can't believe he started a year ago. And now he's almost done. Yay! Congrats, babe. You are amazing and I adore you.